I’ve been having a rough couple weeks. Ok, months. Ok, possibly year. It’s not every day, but it’s close, that I just feel…tired. I know, I know, blame it on the pregnancy. Well, I’ve been pregnant before, and I think this has a little less to do with that kind of tired.
You see, I’m really trying hard to depend on God for everything. And I’ve been in a situation of life where I’ve literally had to depend on Him…so the trying part isn’t optional. I just do.
I just feel as though it’s not enough. Like I’ve got the “faith” part down, and now I need to work on application. Which really isn’t a bad thing. Until you usher in the “tired” part. You see, I couldn’t really tell you what I’m tired of! Depending on God? Maybe.
Here’s a little background: My husband has been out of work since October 2010. I was about 6 months pregnant at the time we found out. He ended up on unemployment, which was a huge help (since he could then stay home with me with a new baby for a few weeks while we adjusted). Unemployment then got cut after only a few months. It seemed really unfair at the time since we legitimately needed it and he was legitimately looking for work (not just “milking” the system, as it were). Well, God provided him work that same month he got cut. Work lasted about 2 months, and then he injured his shoulder on the job. Worker’s Compensation. Yay. Back in the system. Fast forward a few months, and he gets denied Worker’s Comp. We’re still trying to figure out why…even after hiring a lawyer and getting a settlement check. Oh, and his shoulder is still injured. Rewind a bit…I forgot to mention that during those few months we didn’t have additional income from him, we got our tax return (the one you get after having a kid). So, you see all the ways God has financially provided for our needs? I see them. It tires me out remembering all those times, to be honest. (Don’t forget to throw in there raising a baby, having another one on the way, and being a working mom who is also involved in helping her husband lead youth group, and involved in the worship band at church, and does nursery every week. And tries to plan fun things outside of church to do when she would rather be vegging.) Sometimes (most of the time) I just want to live a “normal” life. You know, the one where I get to stay home with the kids, my husband gets home at 5, we get a steady income every month, we can afford to go on vacation, I’m good at getting homemade meals on the table every night…you get it.
Ok, now that I’ve vented, I still don’t feel better. But, now I may share with you a devotion from Charles Spurgeon’s, “Morning and Evening”, that was written for me. It sums up the lessons God has been teaching me these last 2 years (and I fear He is far from done).
Perhaps, O tried soul, the Lord is doing this to develop thy graces. There are some of thy graces which would never be discovered if it were not for thy trials.
Dost thou not know that thy faith never looks so grand in summer weather as it does in winter?
Hope itself is like a star–not to be seen in the sunshine of prosperity, and only to be discovered in the night of adversity. Afflictions are often the black foils in which God doth set the jewels of his children’s graces, to make them shine the better.
It was but a little while ago that on thy knees thou wast saying, “Lord, I fear I have no faith: let me know that I have faith.” Was not this really, though perhaps unconsciously, praying for trials?–for how canst thou know that thou hast faith until thy faith is exercised? Depend upon it, God often sends us trials that our graces may be discovered, and that we may be certified of their existence.
Besides, it is not merely discovery, real growth in grace is the result of sanctified trials. God often takes away our comforts and our privileges in order to make us better Christians. He trains his soldiers, not in tents of ease and luxury, but by turning them out and using them to forced marches and hard service. He makes them ford through streams, and swim through rivers, and climb mountains, and walk many a long mile with heavy knapsacks of sorrow on their backs.
Well, Christian, may not this account for the troubles through which thou art passing? Is not the Lord bringing out your graces, and making them grow? Is not this the reason why he is contending with you?
“Trials make the promise sweet; Trials give new life to prayer; Trials bring me to his feet, Lay me low, and keep me there.”